Forgiveness...it ain't easy!

“And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses." Mark 11:25

It's amazing how hard forgiveness can be sometimes. No matter how hard you try whenever you hear a person's name you can still feel that tightening in your stomach. Through tears and anger and prayers I really thought I had found forgiveness. But is it really forgiveness when you can't look someone in the face and not think about all the hurts they caused. I guess I can say I don't hate that person anymore and I don't think about them or worry what they think of me. Not that I have never been curious. Small hurts are one thing, but when the hurts completely change your life it's not easy to forget.

I once heard a Pastor preach about forgiveness and he talked about "The Wal-mart Test." If you can walk through Wal-mart and you see that person who hurt you and walk up to them and say hello, and ask how they are doing, then you have forgiven them. If you see them and run down the other end of the isle praying they don't see you, you truly haven't forgiven them. Well that has stuck with me because I failed miserably. I have actually done that in Wal-mart in the past. I guess maybe we all have.

It's a hard truth knowing if you wont forgive someone the Lord wont forgive you. It's not that I haven't tried. Maybe I need to start praying for them again. When I first got back in church I worked really hard at forgiveness. I guess after a while of praying for these people and saying I forgave them that I just decided that was it. I did it and I was done. I did it and I would just forget about them. It's easier to fell like you have forgiven someone if you never see them again. Unfortunately people you want to forget about have a way of popping back in your life here and there. Maybe not in a big way maybe just a letter or facebook but it's enough.

I was reminded today that I have not forgiven someone as much as I thought I had. That disturbs me a bit. I wish that I could just say poof and all the people that hurt me so badly would just be far enough away that I wouldn't have to face the fact that in some way it still hurts. It makes me mad that in some way these people still have power over me. And I give it to them! It doesn't hurt the person I can't forgive it hurts me!

So today I am facing this again! I am going to forgive and pray for the people that I have so much trouble forgiving. I'm going to pass the Wal-mart test! I want to forgive because I want to be Forgiven! This is hard but God's grace and mercy will get me through!