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The last couple weeks have definitely been different! The Lord has been working on me so much the last 2 weeks I'm a little worn out. I know He's always doing things in us and we are always changing but I think sometimes we are like a construction site with bulldozers and jackhammers and other times we are like a car getting a touch up paint job or our oil changed. I've definitely been bulldozed and jackhammered lately. It's a good thing, but I definitely hasn't been painless.

The Lord keeps reminding me of hurts that I have been carrying around. Some hurts that I had buried so deep because I thought that was the only was I could survive. If i couldn't see the hurt and could forget about the hurt, it wasn't there. I just started reading a great book and I recommend it to everyone called "The Bait of Satan" by John Bevere. It's talks about the spirit of offence. It's amazing the hurts that people carry around and some of us don't even realize that is what it is. But it manifests in our lives in negative ways.

Well God has gone out of his way to remind me this week of things I would rather forget. People I wish that I could erase from my past. Of course, if I don't see them, or talk to them, or have contact with anyone who has contact with them, I am safe and I'm comfortable living with the hurt that I have buried soooo deep. Well God has made me very uncomfortable! And honestly I didn't really like it at first. I thought that I was done with the demons in my past. God is doing a New thing but apparently that means dealing with an old thing first. I thought at first it was unforgiveness but I have forgiven. It's hurt! It's deep painful gut wrenching hurt. Sometimes emotional things can be literally painful, and this is.

But the Lord didn't remind me of this hurt to punish me or to let me suffer. He wants to take the hurt and fill that place with His love. Some one close gave me this word recently. The Lord wants to fill all of me with His love and His Spirit and so He wants to get rid of those hurts to make more room for Him. That's so incredible! All week long even in my dreams last night I was reminded of those that I would rather forget.

We had an incredible service at our church and the Holy Spirit wouldn't even let me get through the church service without getting the message that the Lord had for me. I'm on a new journey and I need to look to God. I don't need to listen to what others are saying! Stop looking at myself in the mirror and look at God! I only have inklings of God's plan for me and my family, but he is getting me ready for something. I don't know what it's gonna look like but I know it's gonna be good!

Friendship

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

A two post day! God has really downloaded some stuff into me today. It's amazing the things God uses to teach us things. A revelation about forgiveness can lead to getting a new understanding of friendships.


God has a way of putting people in your life for a season a a few if your lucky for a lifetime. I have come to realise that even if they are going to be there forever it doesn't mean they will always play the same part in your life. Getting married changes your friendships and so does having kids. The last I learned recently.

Having twin boys was the most wonderful most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. My husband would agree. When things slowed down after the boys were born I felt like I woke up one morning and had no friends. I know it is pretty normal to feel isolated after having a child especially when you go from working to being a stay at home mom. I felt abandoned for, a while so surprised that my friends (the few I had) were so distant. Granted some of that was the enemy telling me that no on wanted to be around the mama with twins.

It took a while, but the Lord helped me cultivate new friendships and I have grown so much spiritually and emotionally. It also forced me to rely on my husband more which is something I desperately needed to learn to do. Thank the Lord I have such a patient husband willing to listen to me!

Something that took me a while was to forgive and understand why friends were so distant. It seems like things changed so suddenly out of the blue and I was hurt. But now I understand. God uses things like this to change us. We need change in our lives to grow. I don't know that I would be in the place that I am right now spiritually or have the freedom I have if I wasn't forced to do things different. If i hadn't found myself lonely would I have ever connected with some amazing women of God? Would my marriage be as good as it is now with my husband and I closer than ever before if nothing had changed?

Talking to a friend today I realized that God has been working in her just as much as He has been working in me. Neither of us really know why things got so distant but we both know it was good for us. God always has a plan for things. I often forget he's always at least two steps ahead of me and He knows what it looks like at the end. The Word says
"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28
It's something I need to remember.

Forgiveness...it ain't easy!

“And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses." Mark 11:25

It's amazing how hard forgiveness can be sometimes. No matter how hard you try whenever you hear a person's name you can still feel that tightening in your stomach. Through tears and anger and prayers I really thought I had found forgiveness. But is it really forgiveness when you can't look someone in the face and not think about all the hurts they caused. I guess I can say I don't hate that person anymore and I don't think about them or worry what they think of me. Not that I have never been curious. Small hurts are one thing, but when the hurts completely change your life it's not easy to forget.

I once heard a Pastor preach about forgiveness and he talked about "The Wal-mart Test." If you can walk through Wal-mart and you see that person who hurt you and walk up to them and say hello, and ask how they are doing, then you have forgiven them. If you see them and run down the other end of the isle praying they don't see you, you truly haven't forgiven them. Well that has stuck with me because I failed miserably. I have actually done that in Wal-mart in the past. I guess maybe we all have.

It's a hard truth knowing if you wont forgive someone the Lord wont forgive you. It's not that I haven't tried. Maybe I need to start praying for them again. When I first got back in church I worked really hard at forgiveness. I guess after a while of praying for these people and saying I forgave them that I just decided that was it. I did it and I was done. I did it and I would just forget about them. It's easier to fell like you have forgiven someone if you never see them again. Unfortunately people you want to forget about have a way of popping back in your life here and there. Maybe not in a big way maybe just a letter or facebook but it's enough.

I was reminded today that I have not forgiven someone as much as I thought I had. That disturbs me a bit. I wish that I could just say poof and all the people that hurt me so badly would just be far enough away that I wouldn't have to face the fact that in some way it still hurts. It makes me mad that in some way these people still have power over me. And I give it to them! It doesn't hurt the person I can't forgive it hurts me!

So today I am facing this again! I am going to forgive and pray for the people that I have so much trouble forgiving. I'm going to pass the Wal-mart test! I want to forgive because I want to be Forgiven! This is hard but God's grace and mercy will get me through!