Where I started

"I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well."
Psalm 139:13-15

As my first post for my first ever blog I would like to tell a little about myself. I'm 28 years old married mother of 17 month old twin boys. I am a stay at home mom very involved my church. I love being a mom. Our little boys are miracles from the Lord and I cherish them. I have a wonderful hardworking husband who treats me like a queen and is the most incredible father anyone child could ask for. I'm a believer in the Lord Jesus and strive everyday to be more like Him. The Lord has brought me through so much and I'm still a work in progress.

So why am I starting a blog? What could I possibly have to say? Well, I'm not 100% sure where this is going to go I only know that there are things in my heart that I want to share.

So here I am in all my glory with wonderful blessings in my life. Two perfect miracles from the Lord. We tried to get pregnant for a year and finally did fertility. I have been delivered from depression, anxiety, unforgiveness. The Lord healed my marriage but I still wasn't ok. I still had that thing, that secret holding me back from the things the Lord had for me. I didn't even want to give it a name until a few months ago.
I was addicted to food. Had been for more years than I could count. My husband didn't know, my friends could only guess. Granted I'm overweight but I was so good at lying about it.
I didn't want to deal with it. I wasn't willing to let God free me. I never really thought He would. I felt so unworthy of God's love. Why should he love me when I constantly failed. I always felt like I failed him. it was the most shameful thing that I could imagine sharing with anyone. How could someone love me when they learned what a disgusting person I am? Truthfully I have so many loving people in my life many of whom I could share this with but it wasn't until January of this year that I actually spoke it out loud.

It is such a terrible way to live when you live to eat. When you wake up every morning thinking about food and then when you eat you are already thinking about the next thing you are going to eat. Food came before God. I ate when I was happy, when I was sad, when I was stressed..I always had an excuse. It is truly an addiction.
The Lord had been pressing upon me for months to speak to a friend about it, but just as the Lord speaks so does the enemy. Whispering in my ear all the things that I feared. I finally did it. I told her and we prayed for freedom and for a moment I had that desperate hope that God would just take it away.
Well it didn't go away but I was finally facing it. It's hard after so many years of denial to finally look at yourself and say yes the problem isn't a mystery. I am addicted to food. I decided to start Weight watchers and I really like it. I was fired up and ready to lose weight. And I did 16 pounds from January to April and that was great but the excitement wore off as it always does and life got stressful as it always does. I wasn't exactly binging but I also wasn't following the plan either.