A mother's struggle

I think as moms we all have days that honestly, for a moment, we want to kill our kids. Not that we are actually going to kill them we just feel that way. I mean they aren't doing anything different today as they were doing yesterday but today it's driving me insane! You know for a while I had a lot of guilt about that. I mean honestly twin babies can be really tough, but they are a blessing from the Lord. Something I begged God for! How could I possibly be so selfish that I need to get away from them for a while, or feel like if I have to clean up vomit one more time I'm going to lose my mind! Anybody know what I'm talking about?

But you know the Lord sees us and meets us right where we are at. He put people in my life that I can call and be real with. I can tell them "you know what I'm done! If I don't get away from these kids I'm gonna lose it!" Then they say, "you know what? I understand! Bring them over and go somewhere. I've got this under control! "And of course, at some point, I get to return the favor. It took me a while to get to the point where I didn't feel like a terrible mom when I had to ask a girlfriend to give me a sanity break. But you know the Lord put these people in my life knowing that I was going to need them. Isn't it so awesome that God is willing to do that for us! That he doesn't want us to struggle so he makes a way for us to get what we need!

I wonder how many women are like I was. Ashamed to say that they need a break. We are not created to live this life trying to deal with things on our own. Even though most of the time people may think we are superwoman, we are still human and not perfect. Most moms I know try their best to be super mom, but eventually we all get tired or aggravated or hormonal and need a moment to breath and remember why we chose to do this in the first place.

It's true sometimes 20 minutes alone is enough for me to get collected and feel like I can make it again! I wrote this poem recently at a fine arts seminar at my church and it seems appropriate for this post:

4a.m jolted from sleep eyes blurry, running to the aid of my screaming angel only to be greeted by a sly smile. Anger is forgotten as my heart melts looking at the little miracle standing in his bed, begging for my attention.

A loud crash and I'm running from the kitchen to find my little boy grinning with accomplishment, covered in red juice and my carpet forever stained. I want to be angry but he's so cute standing there with his crooked smile.

I sigh, finally able to sit and catch my breath only to realize it's too quiet! Suddenly I see a flash of a baby giggling and running diaper in hand. Panic sets in as I dash after the grinning blur praying there is no mess.


There are moments I forget how I have been blessed. There are times when life is so hectic I forget the tears and desperation. The prayers sent up to heaven so that I could receive these two perfect blessing.

There are days I complain and wonder why me? When I know I just can't do anymore . But then they smile or laugh and I am reminded of the goodness of God. That I was chosen, Given this task as a mother to raise mighty men of God!

Always Something..

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

So I mentioned I just started as an Independent Consultant for Mary Kay. I'm really excited about it. I feel like this a definitely an opportunity from the Lord to help fill in the gaps in our income and also a great ministry. I love love love my sales director who is friend of mine and loves the Lord. I never realized how great it could be to work a business with Christian women. There is such a great level of trust there.

So this weekend I make my Debut as a consultant and my sales director is coming all the way from San Antonio to "debut me." Little did I realize that a couple at my church is getting married the same day and the same time. Of course I didn't realize this til after I sent a facebook invite to 70 people over half of which attend my church and are also more than likely attending the wedding. So now I look kinda stupid. Honestly there are so many weddings at our church this summer I can't keep up with the showers and parties and weddings. If I don't write it down I forget it.

I'm sure nobody thinks I did this knowingly but it still doesn't prevent me from feeling guilty about it. Not only am I not attending the wedding I also scheduled a party for the same time. jeez! I'm trying really hard not to sweat it. I mean we all make mistakes. This is just a way for the enemy to make me feel insecure about this party. I mean I know there are people who will come and if it's only a few that's ok. I expect people to go to the wedding before a Mary Kay party that's the right thing to do.

Now I'm going to try the rest of the week and not worry about this or feel guilty. God has a plan for everything and it's all going to work out the way he wants it too. Now if I can just get my house all cleaned and organized and keep it that way lol. I swear as soon I start cleaning up my children try their very best to make as big a mess as possible. Oh well.. "I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me!" Philippians 4:13 I just have to keep telling myself as I get rammed by Parker who has a pop up clothes hamper on his head an is spinning around the room.:)

Happy Daddy's Day!

I've always enjoyed Father's Day. I have a good relationship with my dad and an amazing husband who is such a good father to our two boys. This year has been a little different. My poor hubby, through no fault of his own, had to work today in this 100 degree heat. I really feel like the Lord used my lack of support from Micheal on a Sunday morning to show me just how much I depend on this incredible man. Nothing has been quite right today.

I'm not just talking about having his help taking the boys to church. But I swear it's quite a show to see me flying in 20 min late to worship team practice, hair flying around my head, no make up, covered with sweat pulling a wagon with 2 unhappy boys. As much as I tend to complain, I really can't do all the things I do without my husband. And I mean it should be that way, I'm just too independent most of the time to admit it.

The service this morning was wonderful but really half of me was missing. I know he's not overseas and it's not like I'm never going to see him again but it's a lesson for me. I spend so much time trying to do everything I tend to discount just how much he does for me. I'm always the first to say what a great provider Micheal is and what a fantastic father he is.

What I probably don't say enough is what a terrific companion he is and what a great man of God he is becoming. He is the sweetest most kind, loving man and most of the time I probably don't deserve to be treated as well as he treats me. It's amazing how blessed I am to have him. I know so many unhappy women and I do thank the Lord for such a great husband.

So I guess this a tribute the the wonderful man I married. The Lord knew what he was doing when he gave me to Michael!

So I guess I'm trying to see how many times I can post in 1 day. I guess I'm in a writing mood. Or is it typing mood. I dunno.

"For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them."Ephesians 2:10

That scripture speaks to me about God's timing. He knows when things are going to happen and I have to be patient and assured that He has got things under control. Not easy for me!

So Monday marked the day I started back on the Weight Watchers plan. How am I doing? Not so great. I just can't seem to get my mind back into it. Psychotic hormones really don't help. Such an up and down week. Of course this had to be the week that several wonderful Saints at my church had to ask how's the weight loss coming.. how much have you lost? Lol!
I don't even own a scale and haven't been to a weight watchers meeting since the beginning of May. Not that I couldn't tell if my clothes were getting tighter. Which they aren't! Praise God! But they aren't actually getting any looser either as far as I can tell.
It's not that I have given up, it's just really hard right now. I'm trying not to make excuses but i guess I am. I feel like I'm on this hormonal roller coaster ride. I guess some of it is what some call "baby fever" I know that may sound crazy, I have twin 1 year olds how could I even think about having another child. I just cant help it.

It wasn't easy for us to get pregnant. I can admit now my weight is a contributing factor for how difficult it was for me to conceive. I have/ had PCOS the abbreviation for poly cystic ovarian syndrome which causes a slew of things including no cycle and no ovulation. So I had to have help through fertility. The Lord did it. That I have no doubt about. So much happened before I conceived that we could not have made happen on our own. My pregnancy was perfect and then I had these 2 perfect little boys who are healthy and happy. I'm not saying it was easy but it was blessed!

So now after I have already been given 2 miracles could I expect the Lord to give me another one? Boy does that give me guilt. I finally told my girls Sunday night that I was thinking about this. I opened up to my hubby last night about my feelings and fears. I feel so selfish but I want another child so bad. Again crazy hormones really don't help.
The Lord has blessed me so much with people in my life I can share my heart with. With their help and prayers I am understanding the God wouldn't put a desire in my heart like this that He wasn't going to fulfill. IN HIS TIME! I need to tattoo that on my forehead so I can see it all the time.
I'm a mom and I absolutely love it! I mean 99% of the time. We all get tired. I never thought I would be so content to be a stay at home mom. Now I can't see myself as anything else. The Lord has provided me a means to help contribute financially through Mary Kay so I may never have to work outside the home again.

So I'm praying for the Lord's will in all of this. I know that I will conceive another child. The Lord has confirmed that for us. I just have to be patient. Monday I'm making a doctor's appointment and going to get my hormones figured out. The Lord can straighten them out but he can also use a doctor to do it. I just have to keep reminding myself that everything comes in His time not mine.

Finding freedom

"For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, ³⁹ nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord" Romans 8:38-39

It's one thing the face a problem but it is another thing altogether to be free. I knew that if I couldn't be free of this it was going to kill me. That may sound extreme, I mean it's not like I'm addicted to Meth but it's still true. But as I've said before I never felt worthy to be loved by the Lord nor did I ever really think he would set me free of this spirit of addiction.
Have I told you how much I love my church. I go to an amazing church called The Healing Place (THP). It is filled with amazing REAL people who serve the Lord and love and support me and my family. The Pastor's are awesome and I love them so much!

So every year our church has a Ladies Encounter weekend in April and this year I had lined everything up to be able to go. Kiddo's had a sitter and hubby was happy so I was stress free about leaving for 2 nights. It was a much needed break ! Time with my girls and time with God. I came expecting God to do something but not thinking about my food addiction. God apparently had big plans for me. Everything was lined up for me to receive the one thing I never thought I would. FREEDOM!
The Lord spoke to me starting the first night in service about my struggle. Nudging me forward to receive prayer which meant telling someone else about my dirty secret. I was obedient but I just didn't think anything was going to change. The next day we met in small groups and I was blessed to be with one of my closest friends. One of the few people that I had finally opened up to and two other ladies who I now hold very dear to my heart.

Our groups were working on a lesson about the God head (Father, Son, Holy Spirit) and how our relationships with certain people can affect our view of the God head. I was ok until we got to Jesus and had to answer how I thought hew viewed me. I had to be honest. I was very emotional that I had to say I thought I was a disappointment , a failure and that I couldn't imagine how He could love me. And then I let loose I told these 3 women my struggle, the horrible shameful thing in my life that I felt defined me.
Praise God for praying women who know the Word of God! That afternoon at picnic table that looked out over a lake I found freedom! These women spoke the worked over me and identified what I struggled with foe what it was. A spirit, a curse and something that I did not have to live with. They spoke such encouragement over me by speaking scriptures from the bible. "I'm fearfully and wonderfully made... I can do all things through Christ...I am the apple of his eye." I finally was free really free. I don't know how to explain it but I know when it left. It was like this giant weight was lifted off. And I started to understand that the Lord really does love me! I'm his favorite! That doesn't mean I don't have to remind myself or everyday is perfect. But, in spite of everything the Lord always loves me and that can NEVER change. I don't have any control over that! Praise God!
It's amazing how many women that weekend and even other at church who had no idea what I had walked through told me how they could see a change in me. How my very countenance changed. I was asked Sunday in church to give a testimony of what happened to me that weekend. Honestly I was scared because that would mean admitting to the whole church, which for a moment felt like the whole world, that I had this problem. But I did it. I stood up and shared my story of the amazing work the Lord had done in me. Sure I hope that maybe someone was helped by me sharing, but that testimony was for me! I felt like I was saying look at me devil YOU LOSE!!
I would love to say the next day I stated my diet again and I've lost 50 pounds and its amazing... but I haven't. One thing I have learned is that I am free and that wont change. But God isn't going to say poof and I wake up one morning thin. I WILL lose weight but it's going to take time and work. It's not easy but at least now I'm not constantly sabotaging myself. So I guess this is a good introduction to my life I don't think every post is going to be about weight loss but it definitely affects my life in a big way

Where I started

"I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well."
Psalm 139:13-15

As my first post for my first ever blog I would like to tell a little about myself. I'm 28 years old married mother of 17 month old twin boys. I am a stay at home mom very involved my church. I love being a mom. Our little boys are miracles from the Lord and I cherish them. I have a wonderful hardworking husband who treats me like a queen and is the most incredible father anyone child could ask for. I'm a believer in the Lord Jesus and strive everyday to be more like Him. The Lord has brought me through so much and I'm still a work in progress.

So why am I starting a blog? What could I possibly have to say? Well, I'm not 100% sure where this is going to go I only know that there are things in my heart that I want to share.

So here I am in all my glory with wonderful blessings in my life. Two perfect miracles from the Lord. We tried to get pregnant for a year and finally did fertility. I have been delivered from depression, anxiety, unforgiveness. The Lord healed my marriage but I still wasn't ok. I still had that thing, that secret holding me back from the things the Lord had for me. I didn't even want to give it a name until a few months ago.
I was addicted to food. Had been for more years than I could count. My husband didn't know, my friends could only guess. Granted I'm overweight but I was so good at lying about it.
I didn't want to deal with it. I wasn't willing to let God free me. I never really thought He would. I felt so unworthy of God's love. Why should he love me when I constantly failed. I always felt like I failed him. it was the most shameful thing that I could imagine sharing with anyone. How could someone love me when they learned what a disgusting person I am? Truthfully I have so many loving people in my life many of whom I could share this with but it wasn't until January of this year that I actually spoke it out loud.

It is such a terrible way to live when you live to eat. When you wake up every morning thinking about food and then when you eat you are already thinking about the next thing you are going to eat. Food came before God. I ate when I was happy, when I was sad, when I was stressed..I always had an excuse. It is truly an addiction.
The Lord had been pressing upon me for months to speak to a friend about it, but just as the Lord speaks so does the enemy. Whispering in my ear all the things that I feared. I finally did it. I told her and we prayed for freedom and for a moment I had that desperate hope that God would just take it away.
Well it didn't go away but I was finally facing it. It's hard after so many years of denial to finally look at yourself and say yes the problem isn't a mystery. I am addicted to food. I decided to start Weight watchers and I really like it. I was fired up and ready to lose weight. And I did 16 pounds from January to April and that was great but the excitement wore off as it always does and life got stressful as it always does. I wasn't exactly binging but I also wasn't following the plan either.